The Foot-In-Mouth Chronicles - Part 3

(Originally posted July 2009)

Another three months have whooshed past. Yet, it looks like it was yesterday that I'd put up Part 2. Seems like space travel to me.

October 2008.

So I run into this gentleman at the cafeteria on the first floor for breakfast.

And my head goes - Hey, you've seen this guy before. Where? Of course, back on campus. What's his name? Ah yes. (But no, I am not taking names here. We'll call him Vats. You'll see why.)

Being quite the professional socialite (which in hindsight, I realise was an innocent mistake by a fresher at work), I decide to introduce myself to him.

"Hello, Prof Vats, this is a BITSian. How're you doing?"

He shakes my hand with an air of one out to crush the phalanges to calcium powder. Very well, he says. Preliminary introductions follow. I get my plate of idlis and we take a table together.

"So you're a Computer Science engineer? And you're in a biotech company?"

"Yes, sir. Up on the third floor."

"Yeah yeah, I know your Manager pretty well. He was in my junior batch."

"Ahan. Yes, loads of BITSians everywhere, sir. Your wife was one too, right?"

"No. She's just a Math Prof."

Yeah I remember, I was registered to her for Math 1 in my 1st year." (which was a bluff. I know, anything to keep a conversation going)

"Oh you were?"

"Yeah. Vidya ma'm's ad-cal classes were pretty engrossing."

"Her name's not Vidya. It's Padma."

Strike 1. Ouch. I bite my lip. Of course, her name wasn't Vidya, it was something else. The person I ended up quoting accidentally was a delectable senior who was TA in my Data Structures lab in 3rd year. Between silly algorithms and agreeable tutors, you know what (rather, who) gets in the pipeline first.

"I am sorry, my mistake. Nevertheless, it's been 4 years of good fun, and now it's over to a completely new world, shouldering a bit more responsibility!" (Lord, I really need to hide my face somewhere)

"Hmm."

2 minutes silence. Think of something else wiseguy, goes the brain. My hands aren't idle in the meantime. They've worked away on transporting the idlis to their rightful abode, and in double quick time on this occasion, considering this was the best way I could tackle an embarrassing moment. I finish my meal, and note he has more than half of his Pongal to go. Dining table etiquette demands that you wait for your companion to finish. I decide to resume the half baked conversation.

"So how's your work here? How different are you finding work here, as opposed to BITS?"

"Oh it's great. I'm still doing research, so that way it's not much of a difference, but then this is the industry, so there's a bit more pressure, as you may have realized."

And then the foot-in-mouth moment you've all been hoping for.

"So what does your company do?"

"We manufacture a lot of pharma products. Specifically, condoms. We cater to the needs of over 40% of the world's population. Durex and Kohinoor, they're both our brands."

I stare. This is like Strike 2 and 3 rolled into one. It felt like he'd pounded my head with a mallet. Let's face it, you may call it fortuitous to get to hear about the birds and the bees through someone who's no less than a professor, but I was stumped for a reply. I marvelled at the attempt to keep a straight face. My attempt, of course. By now, he'd probably described his job description enough times already.

"Oh."

And I nod my head. Couldn't do anything else, the tongue seemed to have twisted itself into a helix.

As he finished his pongal and bade goodbye, I was left wishing that I'd let a little of the sambar remain. To drown my ruddy face into.

Credits: The plate of idlis, which was the only point of that brilliant morning.

PS: If you still haven't got the Vats funda, you shouldn't be here. This post carries an Over-18 rating. Kids, shoo!

The Foot-In-Mouth Chronicles - Part 2

As more than three months have strolled by since Part 1 went live, it is only fair that all due apologies be tendered to the handful of good men and women who've believed I was AWOL. I attribute the hiatus to my recent proclivity towards this medical drama, which has had me pretty much under House arrest, inviting approving aaha's from a few enthusiastic and like-minded work colleagues and grumpy looks from a few other I-don't-care-about-you-and-your-House-minded academics. Anyway, like all rib-tickling sitcoms, we head forward. I feel duty-bound to cater to popular requests and persuasions that have come my way after Part 1. So, another day, another story, and another foot lands in the mouth.

********************************

March 2006.

I happen to be heading the college's Literary Club. My tasks as Secretary primarily involve delegation, but the fact that only a modicum of trusted juniors and batchmates show up under the working umbrella meant that the head of the club has to masquerade under multiple guises - that of the finance manager, inventory manager and sometimes poster-boy, as the situation demands. During one such occasion when I'm busying myself running glue over a poster, the Pharaoh saunters past, and in the process tips me off about an unscheduled appointment with The Goon, effective immediately. 

The Goon. Aah. Not good news.

The Goon calls the shots in my college. He currently heads the Division for Student Welfare, and is known to have a fearsome reputation. An intimidator extraordinaire, The Goon has a past record that boasts of smoking into a student's face thereby meting out a similar treatment in kind to the student, who had himself inflicted it upon an innocent fresher. The Goon had graduated from one of those TN colleges known for producing the vilest of rogues. A rendezvous with The Goon two days after he had entrusted me with the forgotten task of inviting a well known writer over was going to be pleasant by no means. 

The security guard outside The Goon's office finds a jittery young man sweating profusely. Two minutes later, I walk in, my kerchief dripping. Crackers are about to wreck havoc on me. Please just let it get over, God, I pray.

The Goon is poring over The Elements of Physical Chemistry by Peter W Atkins, making notes for his next lecture. He looks up questioningly as my footsteps carry across the room. In a sudden moment of confessionary instinct, I decide to break it to him. 

'Sir, I am sorry I couldn't get through to Mr. Writer. I was held up with my mid-semester exams.'

And I stand there.

'I told you to talk to Dr. Bhat about his contact details. Have you got the contact details at least?

'Yes sir. I have.'

'Fine, mail him today and get back to me.'

With this he goes back to Atkins.

At this point, I heaved and began to relax. No wait, relax would be a mild word. I over-relaxed. And I over-relaxed so much, that you'll see why this incident found its way here. The enthusiastic Secretary in me shot up.

'Sir, don't you think inviting the writer over during the tech-fest might not invite so much participation? I mean, we could have him over some other time during the course of the semester, and I am sure there would be a lot of students attending.'

You think he got angry there? Wrong. He was not just angry. He was raving mad. You don't say things like that to The Goon and get away with it. Nobody does. Even on their luckiest day.

'Who do you think you are?'

A drop of fresh sweat trickles down my forehead.

'Sir...'

'No, tell me this, who the hell do you think you are?'

Darn, he's gone to using 'Hell' in under five seconds. I advise myself, say Sorry and get out of here. Fast.

'Sir, I am sorry...'

'You think you're a Dada huh? Who the hell asked for your bloody opinion?'

Dada and Bloody. Another couple of attempts at diatribe against the uncouth Secretary. The growing rate seems exponential. Situation getting out of hand.

'I am sorry sir...'

'No! I am sorry I am wasting my time with juvenile fools who have no idea where to poke their bloody noses into!'

My mind goes, 'Juvenile?! Where have I heard that word?' By the time I manage to dig up the word's meaning he's let out a dozen more abuses. 

When my feeble attempts at apologising finally chunk his armour a good part of 20 minutes have trudged past. I walk out with a picture of Larry David prancing in my head, shouting three words out loud: Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Footnote: 

This incident happened when the Club was slowly finding its feet thanks to my batchmates and a few extremely reliable juniors. I learnt a lot from the experience of heading the club. Fellow clubbers with reasonably good brain cells might recollect the purpose served by the year-long stint during one of my job interviews. For the uninitiated, my revelation that went along the lines of 'I am the Club' to the tall IIM-A grad interviewer sealed the job ;) 

Part 3 shall follow in good time. 

 

Credits:

The three-month hiatus, Poets of the Fall and O'Hare, Chicago. And oh, The Goon as well. :)

The Foot-In-Mouth Chronicles - Part 1

Pleasant Wednesday night. The bus rumbles on the giant freeway that is Mount Road, inviting wafts of breeze potent enough to disorient my hair (Yes, it's grown back alright, after this escapade. I am glad to say I've gotten back to using a comb since the past week). I point my gaze towards the biker speeding past my M7 bound for Thiruvanmiyur. He's clad in a T-shirt that says 'Drive like you've stolen it'. Three seconds later, he's flown out of sight like a jet. So have the past 365 days. It's exactly a year since I bade goodbye to college life. I've come across a few extraordinary people while I was on campus. And bus journeys like these spanning an hour or so provide just the right amount of time for me to reflect on the happenings, particularly specific incidents when I was made to look like a joker with rotten eggs spattered all over my face. 

*****

September 2007. I've just ordered a Shikanji at Skylab and taken my usual place under the usual tree, looking for the usual dog that haunts the joint for crumbs. I look around me, and spot The Samurai beckoning towards me. I seat myself beside her, and indulge in smalltalk for a few minutes before she decides to deviate to a more interesting topic, although in good time it would retrograde into something that might have made a lot of people raise their eyebrows everytime I walked past.

The Samurai : You know, sometimes I think I love sloth. What a vetti sem da! I mean, look at all the movies I get to watch and not feel an ounce guilty about not having to study! That's psenti-sem life, in a nutshell!

I nod my head in reply. Aah, of course. Sloth. I tell her about my latest blog post, where I've conveniently listed my activities for the world to read and envy. The conversation continues.

The Samurai - You know, given the choice of a Deadly Sin to bring about my death, I'd probably pick sloth! 

"Ahem, really? I don't think I'd choose sloth if I were you..."

"You wouldn't? Which one, then?"

Me: (without waiting for the next millisecond to end) Gluttony...!

Looking back, that was when I thought the engine caught fire. I should have just shut up and let things be right where they were, but no, I had to say it. What was at the tip of my tongue had to be spat out...

"...or you know, lust wouldn't be such a bad thing to die of...."

The Samurai stares at me. Blinks to check if she's heard right. Lust, I'd just said. 

The bout of laughter that follows turns quite a number of heads. And when she comes to, she gives me a sorry look.  

"But you're incapable of lust!"

Sheesh. While such candid statements put you in the good books of any onlooking 45 year old woman who's looking for a nice, home-grown, incapable-of-nefarious-activities-match for her daughter, it is downright insulting coming from a woman who's your age. I choke on the Shikanji and cough for the next five minutes, and tell her that I need to fix an appointment with the physician, excuse myself and leave. 

*****

October 2007. The cultural festival is here. My best friend and advisor the Pharaoh (who, by the way, can be found here) is in the room giving me company by helping me tick all those movies off my still-to-watch list. It's Scent of a Woman tonight. We watch the blind Al Pacino doing one of his masterful dance moves, taking out any visible trace of effort. Flawless swings. Our jaws drop. After the movie, the Pharaoh reminds me of the Salsa Workshop, and tempts me to venture into something bold and daring, by asking Violet out for a dance. 

It takes me three walks around the hostel to make up my mind. I nervously dial a number which I've never dialled before. 10 rings and out. The bird's not near the phone. Ah, this makes things much simpler. I leave a message. No reply for the next half an hour. And then the beep, or the kela as campus lingo goes. She's really sorry, she just got asked out by someone else. But she says that the Jam Queen is still not taken, and I could ask her. All the nervousness drains itself in a split second. I redial confidently this time, and mutter that it's okay. I later ask the Jam Queen out for the dance over a pre-arranged dinner, and she's gracious enough to say yes. 

Turns out, the dance involves a lot of really complicated body maneuvers that would never have crossed my imagination. Nevertheless, it opens out into a real fun session, where couples start fabricating the moves to suit their respective body capabilities. The initial tension about the dance now non-existent, lots of jokes follow from my end in between all the dancing. And stories about last year's Salsa too, about how the Pharaoh had screwed up his face in concentration, making his lady copy the movements of the instructor precisely down to the last detail. The Jam Queen giggles, and mentions something about 10 pointers being the conformist type. Maybe the Pharaoh mind-read her. He made a 7.5 that sem.  

  

Towards the end of the dance, the woman is supposed to nest herself in the man's arms at the sound of the last beat. So far things have gone off well. Yes, clumsy, but no major mishaps. Unlike last time. Subconsciously, I smile. This prompts a questioning look from the woman. 

(Looking back, I should have said nothing and continued. But no, I had to say it. When things that are at the tip of my tongue...you get the drift) 

I let slip that during the previous year's Salsa, Good-Golly-Miss-Molly had rammed into the floor, after my fresh and slippery hands had failed to grip on to her waist. That was it. The dance met with a premature end. I guess I should have held my tongue, but well. Where's the fun without a little screw-up!

*****    

As I alight at Thiruvanmiyur, I snigger to myself. I am reminded of a couple of other instances that might make me stick my foot in my even bigger mouth, but they shall wait for another day. 

Credits: 

1. The Samurai, who I hope, has no longer any questions about my virility.

2. The Jam Queen and Good-Golly-Miss-Molly, with whom I've shared very clumsy, albeit awfully entertaining dances.